Racing thoughts….

I am kind of obsessive. Not outwardly, I am not a ‘neat freak’ or something like that. No, my obsessions are in my head. They are thoughts that cannot be controlled. They come in handy when they are work-related, but when they are not, they are a big nuisance.

They can be simple, like “I need a red sweater”. That thought will stay in my mind until I get that sweater. Or, “I need a new bike”. Same solution….and then I can let go.

But they can also be complicated thoughts, such as “my life sucks and it needs to change”, or “I want to be like everybody else but how do I do that”, “I want my old boyfriend back” or “I want a relationship, right here, right now”. There are no tailormade solutions for those issues, so what to do?

The thing is, when you tell NT’s about these thoughts, they all say “well, we all have those thoughts, but you just have to let it go…” See, right there, that’s the problem…the letting go is a bit of an issue here. The thoughts are omni-present, they dominate my entire waking life, if I cannot keep them under control. They have been the cause of several depressions over the years…. They have kept me from graduating highschool, they’ve made me quit jobs, they’ve kept me in bed, head under the covers and wallowing in my own misery.

But fortunately, I have the best therapist ever, and she tells me to write it down, to get things out of my system. I find it very hard to let go of my thoughts, but I’ve figured out that they are allowed in my head, as long as they stay in their own little ‘pen’. I’ve tried to illustrate it (but obviously I am not good at drawing things….)

(it reads “stay in your own little frame”)

This is my way of keeping my obsessive thoughts reigned in…sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t. But I am working on it…I will improve.

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