Jealousy

I’ve known for a while now why life isn’t always easy….I’ve had my Asperger diagnosis for over a year now. The diagnosis has enriched my life, in many ways. It has given me insights into myself, into the reasons why I do the things I do, and mainly into why I miss a connection in many different areas.

Maybe I had hoped for more. I had hoped those insights had more practical consequences. That maybe I would have learned to deal with everyday issues better. And it has helped, but I am still missing things.

This morning, I read a blog on Aspergers and Depression, and one piece really hit home for me:

Social Troubles related to fitting in.
This should be fairly self explanatory. Despite the appearance of being loners, Aspies often suffer from loneliness. Their poor conversational skills often make it more difficult for them to make and keep friends and to have a social life in general. This leads to loneliness and loneliness leads to depression.

Tell me about it…. I have tons of friends, male and female, and a loving family around me, but I still cannot begin to describe the depth of my loneliness sometimes. Even when the house is filled with people, or when I am enjoying a fun evening with friends. The distance is indescribable. It is not physical, it is a mental thing. Like being on the wrong bandwidth, or in a room where people speak a language you cannot quite understand.

I just watched a reunion between parents and their child on tv, followed by a scene between two people in a relationship. I can see it, but I cannot FEEL it. And that brings me to the title of this blog….sometimes I get terribly jealous. Jealous of the people who have feelings, compassion, love, sadness, and are able to express that, make others understand that. Normal people….yes, sometimes I am terribly jealous of normal people.

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